ELivre/PDF [Bridget Jones's Diary] Auteur Helen Fielding

Bridget Jones's DiaryJanuary An Exceptionally Bad Start Sunday January lbs but post Christmas alcohol units but effectively covers days as hours of party was on New Year s Day cigarettes calories Food consumed oday pkts Emmenthal cheese slices cold new potatoes Bloody Marys count as food as contain Worcester sauce and Stay in Your Lane: Judge Karen's Guide to Living Your Best Life tomatoes Ciabatta loaf with Briecoriander leaves packet Milk Tray besto get rid of all Christmas confectionery in one go and make fresh start omorrow cocktail sticks securing cheese and pineapplePortion Una Alconbury s urkey curry peas and bananasPortion Una Alconbury s Raspberry Surprise made with Bourbon biscuits inned raspberries eight gallons of whipped cream decorated with glac cherries and angelicaNoon London my flat Ugh The last hing on earth I feel physically emotionally or mentally euipped o do is drive o Una and Geoffrey Alconbury s New Year s Day Turkey Curry Buffet in Grafton Underwood Geoffrey and Una Alconbury are my parents best friends and as Uncle Geoffrey never ires of reminding me have known me since I was running round he lawn with no clothes on My mother rang up at in Carbon Democracy: Political Power in the Age of Oil the morning last August Bank Holiday and forced meo promise Meet Miss Fancy to go She approached it via a cunningly circuitous routeOh hello darling I was just ringingo see what you wanted for ChristmasChristmasWould you like a surprise darlingNo I bellowed Sorry I meanI wondered if you d like a set of wheels for your suitcaseBut I haven Cheat On Your Husband (with Your Husband): How to Date Your Spouse t got a suitcaseWhy don I get you a little suitcase with wheels attached You know like air hostesses haveI ve already got a bagOh darling you can Schumann: The Faces and the Masks t go around withhat The Weekend Makeover: Get a Brand New Life By Monday Morning tatty green canvashing You look like some sort of Mary Poppins person who s fallen on hard Restful Java with Jax-RS times Just a little compact case with a pull out handle It s amazing how much you can get in Do you want it in navy on red or red on navyMum It s eighthirty in The Mission, the Men, and Me: Lessons from a Former Delta Force Commander the morning It s summer It s very hot I don want an air hostess bagJulie Enderby s got one She says she never uses anything elseWho s Julie EnderbyYou know Julie darling Mavis Enderby s daughter Julie The one A Little Book about Colors (Leo Lionni's Friends) that s gothat super dooper job at Arthur AndersenMumAlways Mean takes it on herripsI don Button and Bundle t want a little bag with wheels onI llell you what Why don Jamie Daddy and I all club ogether and get you a proper new big suitcase and a set of wheels Exhausted I held he phone away from my ear puzzling about where he missionary luggage Christmas gift zeal had stemmed from When I put Pinky Got Out! the phone back she was saying in actual fact you can gethem with a compartment with bottles for your bubble bath and hings The other hing I Not Anyone's Anything thought of was a shopping cartIshere anything you d like for Christmas I said desperately blinking in Blueberry Truth the dazzling Bank Holiday sunlightNo no she said airily I ve got everything I need Now darling she suddenly hissed you will be comingo Geoffrey and Una s New Year s Day Turkey Curry Buffet Desire to Inspire: Using Creative Passion to Transform the World this year won youAh Actually I I panicked wildly What could I pretend Confetti Covered Quicksand to be doinghink I might have o work on New Year s DayThat doesn matter You can drive up after work Oh did I mention Malcolm and Elaine Darcy are coming and bringing Mark with Systems Analysis and Design them Do you remember Mark darling He s one ofhose The Sea of Lost Girls top notch barristers Masses of money Divorced It doesn start ill eight Oh God Not another strangely dressed opera freak with bushy hair burgeoning from a side part Mum I ve old you I don need o be fixed up withNow come along darling Una and Geoffrey have been holding he New Year buffet since you were running round he lawn with no clothes on Of course you re going Cool Nail Art: 30 Step-By-Step Designs to Rock Your Fingers and Toes to come And you ll be ableo use your new suitcase pm Ugh First day of New Year has been day of horror Cannot uite believe I am once again starting Skint Estate: A memoir of poverty, motherhood and survival the year in a single bed in my parents house It isoo humiliating at my age I wonder if The Perfect Edge: The Ultimate Guide to Sharpening for Woodworkers they ll smell it if I have a fag out ofhe window Having skulked at home all day hoping hangover would clear I eventually gave up and set off for The Full Facts Book of Cold Reading: A Comprehensive Guide to the Most Persuasive Psychological Manipulation Technique in the World the Turkey Curry Buffet faroo late When I got Male Medusa, Caught in Coils tohe Alconburys and rang heir entire une of own hall clock style doorbell I was still in a strange world of my own nauseous vile headed acidic I was also suffering from road rage residue after inadvertently getting on o A Year of Weddings: Twelve Love Stories the M instead ofhe M and having o drive halfway o Birmingham before I could find anywhere The Evolution of Modern Land Warfare: Theory and Practice tourn round I was so furious I kept jamming my foot down No Sanctuary tohe floor on Cent Discours Pour La France the accelerator pedalo give vent o my feelings which is very dangerous I watched resignedly as Una Alconbury s form intriguingly deformed hrough he ripply glass door bore down on me in a fuchsia wo pieceBridget We d almost given you up for lost Happy New Year Just about o start without you She seemed o manage Playboy Under the Mistletoe to kiss me get my coat off hang it overhe banister wipe her lipstick off my cheek and make me feel incredibly guilty all in one movement while I leaned against Sunlight the ornament shelf for supportSorry I got lostLost Durr What are we goingo do you the ornament shelf for supportSorry I got lostLost Durr What we going Personal Knowledge to do with you on in She led mehrough Supermarket!: Super Sturdy Picture Books the frosted glass doors intohe lounge shouting She got lost everyoneBridget Happy New Year said Geoffrey Alconbury clad in a yellow diamond patterned sweater He did a jokey Bob Hope step Red-Spotted Newt then gave mehe sort of hug which Boots would send straight Grave Dance tohe police stationHahumph he said going red in he face and pulling his rousers up by Dollface: una novela sobre los violentos años 20 the waistband Which junction did you come off atJunction nineteen buthere was a diversionJunction nineteen Una she came off at Junction nineteen You ve added an hour o your journey before you even started Come on let s get you a drink How s your love life anyway Oh God Why can married people understand The Border (Power of the Dog, thathis is no longer a polite uestion The Cliterate Male: a Primer on Pleasuring Women (Good in Bed Guides) to ask We wouldn rush up The Malice of Waves tohem and roar How s your marriage going Still having sex Everyone knows hat dating in your hirties is not he happy go lucky free for all it was when you were wenty wo and hat Judgment the honest answer islikelyo be Actually last night my married lover appeared wearing suspenders and a darling little Angora crop Modern HERstory: Stories of Women and Nonbinary People Rewriting History topold me he was gay a sex addict a narcotic addict a commitment phobic and beat me up with a dildo han Super hanks Not being a natural liar I ended up mumbling shamefacedly o Geoffrey Fine at which point he boomed So you still haven got a fellerBridget What are we going Slave Girls of Watchnest Hall to do with you said Una You career girls I don know Can put it off forever you know Tick ock Fire Frost tickockYes How does a woman manage o get o your age without being married roared Brian Enderby married o Mavis used o be president of Black Shack Alley the Rotary in Kettering waving his sherry inhe air Fortunately my dad rescued meI m very pleased The Ultimate Situational Survival Guide: Self-Reliance Strategies for a Dangerous World to see you Bridget he saidaking my arm Your mother has he entire Northamptonshire constabulary poised o comb he county with oothbrushes for your dismembered remains Come and demonstrate your presence so I can start enjoying myself How s The New Tunisian Crochet: Contemporary Designs from Time-Honored Traditions the be wheeled suitcaseBig beyond all sense How arehe ear hair clippersOh marvelously you know clippy It was all right I suppose I would have felt a bit mean if I hadn Global Environmental Governance and Small States: Architectures and Agency in the Caribbean turned up but Mark Darcy Yuk Every Goya in Perspective time my mother s rung up for weeks it s been Of course you rememberhe Darcys darling They came over when we were living in Buckingham and you and Mark played in Pleasure Beach the paddling pool or Oh Did I mention Malcolm and Elaine are bringing Mark withhem No One Will Hear You to Una s New Year s Day Turkey Curry Buffet He s just back from America apparently Divorced He s looking for a house in Holland Park Apparently he hadhe most errible ime with his wife Japanese Very cruel race Then next National Development: Being More Effective and More Efficient: Being More Effective and More Efficient time as if out ofhe blue Do you remember Mark Darcy darling Malcolm and Elaine s son He s one of The Passion of David Lynch: Wild at Heart in Hollywood these super dooperop notch lawyers Divorced Elaine says he works all he ime and he s erribly lonely I hink he might be coming Innovative Thermal and Non-Thermal Processing, Bioaccessibility and Bioavailability of Nutrients and Bioactive Compounds to Una s New Year s Day Turkey Curry Buffet actually I don know why she didn Dad Fucks My Pussy Hard t just come out with it and say Darling do shag Mark Darcy overhe urkey curry won you He s very richCome along and meet Mark Una Alconbury singsonged before I d even had On the Run with Love timeo get a drink down me Being set up with a man against your will is one level of humiliation but being literally dragged into it by Una Alconbury while caring for an acidic hangover watched by an entire roomful of friends of your parents is on another plane altogether The rich divorced by cruel wife Mark uite Malka tall was standing with his backo he room scrutinizing he contents of Like Pizza and Beer the Alconburys bookshelves mainly leather bound series of books abouthe Third Reich which Geoffrey sends off for from Reader s Digest It struck me as pretty ridiculous o be called Mr Darcy and o stand on your own looking snooty at a party It s like being called Heathcliff and insisting on spending he entire evening in he garden shouting Cathy and banging your head against a Dig This Gig treeMark said Una as if she was one of Santa Claus s fairies I ve got someone nice for youo meet He The Forward Pass in Football turned round revealinghat what had seemed from The Strange Laws of Old England the back like a harmless navy sweater was actually a V neck diamond patterned in shades of yellow and blue as favored byheelderly of We Will Rise - Rebuilding the Mexikah Nation the nation s sports reporters As my friend Tom often remarks it s amazing how muchime and money can be saved in he world of dating by close attention o detail A white sock here a pair of red braces here a gray slip on shoe a swastika are as often as not all one needs o Masked Desires tell youhere s no point writing down phone numbers and forking out for expensive lunches because it s never going Born Of Darkness to be a runnerMarkhis is Colin and Pam s daughter Bridget said Una going all pink and fluttery Bridget works in publishing don Serendipity: Accidental Discoveries in Science t you BridgetI do indeed I for some reason said as if I wereaking part in a Capital radio phone in and was.

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About o ask Una if I could say hello o my friends Jude Sharon and Tom my brother Jamie everyone in he office my mum and dad and last of all all he people at he Turkey Curry BuffetWell I ll leave you wo young people ogether said Una Durr I expect you re sick o death of us old fuddy duddiesNot at all said Mark Darcy awkwardly with a rather unsuccessful attempt at a smile at which Una after rolling her eyes putting a hand o her bosom and giving a gay inkling laugh abandoned us with a oss of her head o a hideous silenceI Um Are you reading any ah Have you read any good books lately he said Oh for God s sake I racked my brain frantically o hink when I last read a proper book The She Said, He Said trouble with working in publishing ishat reading in your spare The Seven-Day Target time is a bit like being a dustman and snufflinghrough he pig bin in he evening I m halfway hrough Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus which Jude lent me but I didn hink Mark Darcy hough clearly odd was ready o accept himself as a Martian uite yet Then I had a brainwaveBacklash actually by Susan Faludi I said riumphantly Hah I haven Seducing Summer t exactly read it as such but feel I have as Sharon has been ranting about it so much Anyway completely safe option as no way diamond pattern jumpered goody goody would have read five hundred page feministreatiseAh Really he said I read Dare to Love that when it first came out Didn you find Taboo 2 there was rather a lot of special pleadingOh well notoo much I said wildly racking my brains for a way Syphon's Song to get offhe subject Have you been staying with your parents over New YearYes he said eagerly You ooYes No I was at a party in London last night Bit hungover actually I gabbed nervously so hat Una and Mum wouldn hink I was so useless with men I was failing o alk o even Mark Darcy But hen I do Blood Eternal think New Year s resolutions can A Sad Soul Can Kill You technically be expectedo begin on New Year s Day don Darkthaw t you Since because it s an extension of New Year s Eve smokers are already on a smoking roll and cannot be expectedo stop abruptly on he stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in he system Also dieting on New Year s Day isn a good idea as you can eat rationally but really need o be free o consume whatever is necessary moment by moment in order o ease your hangover I hink it would be muchsensible if resolutions began generally on January Remediation: Understanding New Media the secondMaybe you should get somethingo eat he said Programme Und Manifeste Zur Architektur Des 20. Jahrhunderts then suddenly bolted offoward Speculative Everything: Design, Fiction, and Social Dreaming the buffet leaving me standing on my own byhe bookshelf while everybody stared at me Writing Machines thinking Sohat s why Bridget isn The Rhythmic Event: Art, Media, and the Sonic t married She repulses men The worst of it washat Una Alconbury and Mum wouldn Gaming the System: Designing with Gamestar Mechanic t leave it athat They kept making me walk round with The Time of the French in the Heart of North America, 1673-1818 trays of gherkins and glasses of cream sherry in a desperate bido Kidnappad hjärna throw me into Mark Darcy s path yet again Inhe end Hades they were so crazed with frustrationhat Developmental Baby Massage: Therapeutic Touch Techniques for Making Your Baby Stronger, Healthier, and Happier the second I got within four feet of him withhe gherkins Una hrew herself across he room like Will Carling and said Mark you must Wildflowers of Shenandoah National Park: A Pocket Field Guide take Bridget selephone number before you go The Right Man For The Job: A Novel then you can get inouch when you re in London I couldn stop myself urning bright red I could feel it climbing up my neck Now Mark would Cecil the Pet Glacier think I d put her upo itI m sure Bridget s life in London is uite full enough already Mrs Alconbury he said Humph It s not Learning Activism: The Intellectual Life of Contemporary Social Movements that I wanted himo ake my phone number or anything but I didn want him o make it perfectly obvious o everyone Captive Set Free (Angel of Mercy that he didn want Stories of Scottsboro to As I looked down I sawhat he was wearing white socks with a yellow bumblebee motifCan For Yourself t Iempt you with a gherkin I said For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality (Revised and Updated) to show I had had a genuine reason for coming over which was uite definitely gherkin based ratherhan phone number relatedThank you no he said looking at me with some alarmSure Stuffed olive I pressed onNo reallySilverskin onion I encouraged Beetroot cubeThank you he said desperately A Little Too Close to God: The Thrills and Panic of a Life in Israel taking an oliveHope you enjoy it I saidriumphantly Toward Spy Fall (Rebellious Brides, the end I saw him being harangued by his mother and Una who marched him overoward me and stood just behind while he said stiffly Do you need driving back Slow Hands to London I m staying here but I could get my caro The Valentine's Day Murder take youWhat all on its own I said He blinked at meDurr Mark has a company car and a driver silly said UnaThank youhat s very kind I said But I shall be The Complete Lyrics of Oscar Hammerstein II taking one of myrains in How the Homosexuals Saved Civilization: The Time and Heroic Story of How Gay Men Shaped the Modern World the morning am Oh why am I so unattractive Why Even a man who wears bumblebee sockshinks I am horrible Hate he New Year Hate everyone Except Daniel Cleaver Anyway have got giant ray sized bar of Cadbury s Dairy Milk left over from Christmas on dressing Seducing Mr. Knightly table also amusing joke gin andonic miniature Am going The Last Clinic to consumehem and have fag Tuesday January lbs errifying slide into obesity why why alcohol units excellent cigarettes vg calories am Ugh Cannot lbs errifying slide into obesity why why alcohol units excellent cigarettes vg calories am Ugh Cannot Under My Skin thought of goingo work Only Matisse the Master: A Life of Henri Matisse: The Conquest of Colour, 1909-1954 thing which makes itolerable is Mennyms in the Wilderness (Mennyms, thought of seeing Daniel again but evenhat is inadvisable since am fat have spot on chin and desire only Dirty Talk for Women: The Art of Seduction and Getting Your Man to Beg You for Sex to sit on cushion eating chocolate and watching Xmas specials It seems wrong and unfairhat Christmas with its stressful and unmanageable financial and emotional challenges should first be forced upon one wholly against one s will then rudely snatched away just when one is starting Sleeping at the Starlite Motel: and Other Adventures on the Way Back Home to get into it Was really beginningo enjoy he rudely snatched away just when one Is Starting To Get Into It Was starting o get into it Was beginning o enjoy he hat normal service was suspended and it was OK o lie in bed as long as you want put anything you fancy into your mouth and drink alcohol whenever it should chance Le Livre des Âmes to pass your way even inhe mornings Now suddenly we are all supposed o snap into self discipline like lean eenage greyhounds pm Ugh Perpetua slightly senior and 3-Way Weekend thereforehinking she is in charge of me was at her most obnoxious and bossy going on and on Art Journal Kickstarter: Pages and Prompts to Energize Your Art Journals tohe point of utter boredom about latest half million pound property she is planning Safe House to buy with her rich but overbred boyfriend Hugo Yars yars well it is north facing buthey ve done something frightfully clever with he light I looked at her wistfully her vast bulbous bottom swathed in a ight red skirt with a bizarre hree uarter length striped waistcoat strapped across it What a blessing o be born with such Sloaney arrogance Perpetua could be he size of a Renault Espace and not give it a hought How many hours months years have I spent worrying about weight while Perpetua has been happily looking for lamps with porcelain cats as bases around he Fulham Road She is missing out on a source of happiness anyway It is proved by surveys hat happiness does not come from love wealth or power but Writing Art History the pursuit of attainable goals and what is a diet if nothat On way home in end of Christmas denial I bought a packet of cut price chocolate Taulan tree decorations and a bottle of sparkling wine from Norway Pakistan or similar I guzzledhem by Living Large Cowboy Style the light ofhe Christmas Sun-Beams May Be Extracted from Cucumbers, But the Process Is Tedious. an Oration, Pronounced on the Fourth of July, 1799. at the Request of the Citizens of New-Haven. by David Daggett. treeogether with a couple of mince pies Writing Subtext: What Lies Beneath the last ofhe Christmas cake and some Stilton while watching Eastenders imagining it was a Christmas special Now hough I feel ashamed and repulsive I can actually feel he fat splurging out from my body Never mind Sometimes you have Tarot Says Beware to sinko a nadir of Great Minds on India toxic fat envelopment in ordero emerge phoenix like from he chemical wasteland as a purged and beautiful Michelle Pfeiffer figure Tomorrow new Spartan health and beauty regime will begin Mmmm Daniel Cleaver hough Love his wicked dissolute air while being v successful and clever He was being v funny oday elling everyone about his aunt hinking he onyx kitchen roll holder his mother had given her for Christmas was a model of a penis Was really v amusing about it Also asked me if I got anything nice for Christmas in rather flirty way Think might wear short black skirt Clementine: The Life of Mrs. Winston Churchill tomorrow Wednesday January lbs state of emergency now as if fat has been stored in capsule form over Christmas and is being slowly released under skin alcohol units better cigarettes calories vg pm Office State of emergency Jude just rang up from her portable phone in flood ofears and eventually managed o explain in a sheep s voice hat she had just had Fear: Anti-Semitism in Poland After Auschwitz: An Essay in Historical Interpretation to excuse herself from a board meeting Jude is Head of Futures at Brightlings as she was abouto burst into Hunter of Demons tears and was nowrapped in he ladies with Alice Cooper eyes and no makeup bag Her boyfriend Vile Richard self indulgent commitment phobic whom she has been seeing on and off for eighteen months had chucked her for asking him if he wanted o come on holiday with her Typical but Jude naturally was blaming it all on herselfI m co dependent I asked for oo much o satisfy my own neediness rather Wrong Medicine: Doctors, Patients and Futile Treatment than need Oh if only I couldurn back he clock I immediately called Sharon and an emergency summit has been scheduled for in Caf Rouge I hope I can get away without bloody Perpetua kicking up pm Strident evening Sharon immediately launched into her heory on he Richard situation Emotional fuckwittage which is spreading like wildfire among men over hirty As women glide from The Joy Luck Club theirwenties Smugglers' Gold tohirties Shazzer argues Foretold: 14 Tales of Prophecy and Prediction the balance of power subtly shifts Evenhe most outrageous minxes lose Yajuj and Majuj their nerve wrestling withhe first Fire Bringer twinges of existential angst fears of dying alone and being foundhree weeks later half eaten by an Alsatian Stereotypical notions of shelves spinning wheels and sexual scrapheaps conspire o make you feel stupid no matter how much ime you spend Rhetorical Theory: An Introduction (With Info Trac) thinking about Goldie Hawn and Susan SarandonAnd men like Richard fumed Sharon play onhe chink in he armor o wriggle out of commitment maturity honor and The Unbound Scriptures: A Review of KJV-only Claims and Publications the natural progression ofhings between a man and a woman By Cheating Justice thisime Jude and I were going Shhh shhh out of Amal Unbound the corners of our mouths and sinking down into our coats After allhere is nothing so unattractive o a man as strident feminismHow dare he say you were getti. .
Ng Aldri, aldri, aldri too serious by askingo go on holiday with him yelled Sharon What is he alking about Thinking moonily about Daniel Cleaver I ventured hat not all men are like Richard At which point Sharon started on a long illustrative list of emotional fuckwittage in progress in our friends one whose boyfriend of Fourth of July Creek thirteen years refuses eveno discuss living ogether another who went out with a man four imes who The Holiday Gig then chucked her because it was gettingoo serious another who was pursued by a bloke for Bought By The Billionaire Brothers 2: Caught Between Brothers three months with impassioned proposals of marriage onlyo find him ducking out Durkheim's Suicide: A Classic Analyzed three weeks after she succumbed and repeatinghe whole process with her best friendWe women are only vulnerable because we are a pioneer generation daring How To Eat Outside: Fabulous Al Fresco Food for BBQs, Bonfires, Camping and More to refuseo compromise in love and relying on our own economic power In A Family Man twenty yearsime men won even dare start with fuckwittage because we will just laugh in heir faces bellowed Sharon At Red Notice: A True Story of High Finance, Murder, and One Man's Fight for Justice this point Alex Walker who works in Sharon s company strolled in with a stunning blonde who was about eightimes as attractive as him He ambled over Poker Face to uso say hiIs his your new girlfriend asked SharonWell Huh You know she hinks she is but we re not going out we re just sleeping Os Peixes Também Sabem Cantar together I oughto stop it really but well he said smuglyOh hat is just such crap you cowardly dysfunctional little schmuck Right I m going o The Starburster talko hat woman said Sharon getting up Jude and I forcibly restrained her while Alex looking panic stricken rushed back o continue his fuckwittage unrumbled Eventually he hree of us worked out a strategy for Jude She must stop beating herself over Britain Unwrapped: Government and Constitution Explained the head with Women Who Love Too Much and insteadhinktoward Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus which will help her Cruickshank’s London: A Portrait of a City in 13 Walks to see Richard s behavior less as a signhat she is co dependent and loving oo much andin he light of him being like a Martian rubber band which needs o stretch away in order o come backYes but does 7 Deadly Scenarios: A Military Futurist Explores War in the 21st Century that mean I should call him or not said JudeNo said Sharon just as I was saying Yes After Jude had gone because she haso get up at Everyone Dies to goo Conectados por la cultura. Historia natural de la civilización the gym and see her personal shopper before work starts at mad Sharon and I suddenly were filled with remorse and self loathing for not advising Jude simplyo get rid of Vile Richard because he is vile But Sentenced to Wed then as Sharon pointed out lastime we did hat hey got back ogether and she old him everything we d said in a fit of reconciliatory confession and now it is cripplingly embarrassing every ime we see him and he hinks we are he Bitch ueens from Hell which as Jude points out is a misapprehension because although we have discovered our Inner Bitches we have not yet unlocked hem Thursday January lbs excellent progress lbs of fat spontaneously combusted hrough joy and sexual promise alcohol units vg for party cigarettes continuing good work calories love has eradicated need o pig out am Office Oh my God Daniel Cleaver just sent me a message Was rying o work on CV without Perpetua noticing in preparation for improving career when Message Pending suddenly flashed up on op of screen Delighted by well anything as always am if is not work I uickly pressed RMS Execute and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Cleave at he bottom of he message I instantly hought he had been able o ap into he computer and see hat I was not getting on with my work But hen I read he message Message JonesYou appear Still Open All Hours: The Story of a Classic Comedy to have forgotten your skirt As Ihink is made perfectly clear in your contract of employment staff are expected o be fully dressed at all imes Cleave Hah Undeniably flirtatious Thought for a little while whilst pretending o study edious beyond belief manuscript from lunatic Have never messaged Daniel Cleaver before but brilliant Ditch Flowers thing about messaging system is you can be really uite cheeky and informal eveno your boss Also can spend ages practicing This is what sent Message CleaveSir am appalled by message Whilst skirt could reasonably be described as a little on The Dollhouse That Time Forgot the skimpy sidehrift being ever our watchword in editorial consider it gross misrepresentation Pieces of Autumn to describe said skirt as absent and considering contacting union Jones Waited in frenzy of excitement for reply Sure enough Message Pending uickly flashed up Pressed RMS Will whoever hashoughtlessly removed he edited script of KAFKA S MOTORBIKE from my desk PLEASE have he decency o return it immediately Diane Aargh After hat zilch Noon Oh God Daniel has not replied Must be furious Maybe he was being serious about he skirt Oh God oh God Have been seduced by informality of messaging medium into being impertinent o boss Maybe he has not got it yet If only could get message back Think will go for walk and see if can somehow go into Daniel s office and erase it Hah All explained He is in meeting with Simon from Marketing He gave me a look when walked past Aha Ahahahaha Message Pending Message JonesIf walking past office was attempt o demonstrate presence of skirt can only say hat it has failed parlously Skirt is indisputably absent Is skirt off sick Cleave Message Pending hen flashed up again immediately Message JonesIf skirt is indeed sick please look into how many JonesIf skirt is indeed sick please look into how many sick leave skirt has aken in previous Benighted twelvemonth Spasmodic nature of recent skirt attendance suggests malingering Cleave Just sending back Message CleaveSkirt is demonstrably neither sick nor abscent Appalled by management s blatently sizist attitudeo skirt Obsessive interest in skirt suggests management sick rather han skirt Jones Hmm Think will cross last bit out as contains mild accusation of sexual harassment whereas v much enjoying being sexually harassed by Daniel Cleaver Aaargh Perpetua just walked past and started reading over shoulder Just managed o press Alt Screen in nick of ime but big mistake as merely put CV back up on screenDo let me know when you ve finished reading won you said Perpetua with a nasty smirk I d hate o feel you were being underused The second she was safely back on he phone I mean frankly Mr Birkett what is he point in putting hree o four bedrooms when it is going o be obvious 4 ปี นรกในเขมร the second we appearhat bedroom four is an airing cupboard I got back o work This is what I am about o send Message CleaveSkirt is demonstrably neither sick nor abscent Appalled by management s blatently sizist attitude o skirt Considering appeal o industrial ribunal abloids etc Jones Oh dear This was return message Message JonesAbsent Jones not abscent Blatantly not blatently Please attempt From Single Mum to Lady to acuire at least perfunctory grasp of spelling Though by no meansrying o suggest language fixed rather han constantly adapting fluctuating The Elephant and the Flea: Looking Backwards to the Future tool of communication cf Hoenigswald computer spell check might help Cleave Was just feeling crestfallen when Daniel walked past with Simon from Marketing and shot a very sexy look at my skirt with one eyebrow raised Lovehe lovely computer messaging Must work on spelling hough After all have degree in English Friday January pm Could not bejoyous Computer messaging re presence or
"Otherwise Of Skirt Continued Obsessively "
of skirt continued obsessively afternoon Cannot imagine respected boss did stroke of work Weird scenario with Perpetua penultimate boss since knew I was messaging and v angry but fact hat was messaging ultimate boss gave self conflicting feelings of loyalty distinctly unlevel playing field where anyone with ounce of sense would say ultimate boss should hold sway Last message read Message JonesWish o send bouuet o ailing skirt over weekend Please supply home contact no asap as cannot for obvious reasons rely on given spelling of Jones The Beetle to search in file Cleave Yesssss Yessssss Daniel Cleaver wants my phone no Am marvelous Am irresistible Sex Goddess Hurrah Sunday January lbs v bloody g but what is point alcohol units excellent cigarettes calories poor pm Oh God why am I so unattractive Cannot believe I convinced myself I was keepinghe entire weekend free Killing Tomorrow to work when in fact I was on permanent date with Daniel standby Hideous wastedwo days glaring psychopathically at The Sheep that Saved Christmas: A Eweltide Tale the phone and eatinghings Why hasn Haunted England: The Penguin Book of Ghosts t he rung Why What s wrong with me Why ask for my phone number if he wasn going o ring and if he was going o ring surely he would do it over De kus van Esau the weekend Must center myselfWill ask Jude about appropriate self help book possible Eastern religion based pm Phone call alert whichurned out Shadow Fall to be just Tom asking ifhere was any elephonic progress Tom who has aken unflatteringly The Afterparty to calling himself a hag fag has been sweetly supportive abouthe Daniel crisis Tom has a heory hat homosexuals and single women in Kids' Fun and Healthy Cookbook theirhirties have natural bonding both being accustomed Butcher, Blacksmith, Acrobat, Sweep: The Tale of the First Tour de France to disappointingheir parents and being reated as freaks by society He indulged me while I obsessed o him about my unattractiveness crisis precipitated as I old him first by bloody Mark Darcy hen by bloody Daniel at which point he said I must say not particularly helpfully Mark Darcy But isn he hat famous lawyer he human rights guy Hmmm Well anyway What about my human right not o have Aurora (Morgen Rote Im Auffgang, 1612) and Fundamental Report (Grundlicher Bericht, Mysterium Pansophicum, 1620): Translation, Introduction, Commentary. to wander round with fearsome unattractiveness hangupCeexte fait r f rence une dition puis e ou non disponible de ce Mistress A Million Dollars titreScreamingly funny USA TodayBridget Jones is channeling something so universal and horrifyingly familiarhat readers will giggle and sigh with collective delight ElleFieldinghas rummaged all oo knowingly hrough Shadows in the Mirror the bedrooms closets hearts and minds of women everywhere GlamourHilarious and poignant The Washington PostBridget Joness diary has made herhe best friend of hundreds of housands of women The New York TimesA brilliant comic creation Even men will laughSalman Rushdie Ce exte fait r f rence une dition puis e ou non disponible de ce itr. .

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